hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
