i would punch a child for taco bell
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
