i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Randomize
