Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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