Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
