My Higher Power is John Stamos
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
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