Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
