she woke up with a sticky ear
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
