You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
