mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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