that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
