So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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