Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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