YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
