i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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