oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
