oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
