I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Randomize
