We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
vagina is talking i cant
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
