dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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