fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Of course I have a pirate flag
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
