Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
