i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
