I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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