I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The Olympian is in my bed
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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