my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize