I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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