I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
