Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
