Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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