He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
