I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
