You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
