You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
