Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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