when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
