Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
