I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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