the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
