Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
