I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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