I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize