gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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