Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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