I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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