i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
no more duck duck goose at the bar
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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