Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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