What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
