call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
