its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
