Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
