as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize