Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
