I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
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