I'm jealous of your bromance
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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