He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
