You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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