Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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