i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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