mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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