Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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